From Hottest to Nottest: Ranking NFL Quarterbacks

This whole idea came to mind last February during Super Bowl XLV; the Super Bowl I deemed “The Hottie and the Nottie Bowl” featuring the hottest quarterback in the NFL, Aaron Rodgers, and the least attractive, Ben Roethlisberger.

I’m a huge proponent for ranking hot athletes, actors and musicians, but curiosity got the best of me when I started thinking about how NFL quarterbacks would rank from 1 to 32. There’s something very attractive about an NFL quarterback: the leadership role, tall, oft-slender build, and status. OK fine, salary is a small reason as well.

[Disclaimer: There are going to be a few controversial picks, as in some cases I intend to go by franchise quarterbacks (see: Peyton Manning). There are a couple of scenarios where a starting quarterback is in question week to week. That’s where I decide whom to choose.]

1) Aaron Rodgers (GB Packers)
His looks make him a decently attractive dude. I think it’s his demeanor that catapults him from just above-average-looking to damn hot. Coming off as laid back and cool, I actually heard in an interview on ESPN where a NY Giants lineman stated that Mr. Rodgers talks more smack than anyone else he’d played against in the league. For some reason, that made him even hotter. And it’s another prime example why nice guys finish last (OK fine, not in the case of this list, as #32 is a total doucher, but you get the idea).

2) Matt Ryan (ATL Falcons)
This may surprise some people. I don’t know what it is about Matt Ryan that makes me think he’s one of the best-looking gunslingers in the NFL. Perhaps it’s his boyish good looks and perfect, built-by-Greek-gods build (6 ft 4in; 225 lb), but this Boston College alum has a kind of boy-next-door, nice guy good looks. He’s apparently a pretty good golfer, too, which is hot.

3) Tom Brady (NE Patriots)
So the long hair doesn’t really do anything for Tom Brady, but does that even matter? Dude is hot. Of course; he has to be to land someone like Gisele.

4) Alex Smith (SF 49ers)
He’s got a kind of Ryan Gosling thing going on: usually scruffy and not technically attractive, but hot nonetheless.

5) Mark Sanchez (NY Jets)
He’s a pretty boy, and not really my style, but you can’t deny his good looks. Plus he has really great hair.

6) Tim Tebow (DEN Broncos)
You either love him or you hate him, and I will be honest, I kind of love him. I am not sure if I buy into his holier-than-thou demeanor, but he’s cute as hell.

7) Cam Newton (CAR Panthers)
Say what you want about his questionable character, Cam Newton is a sexual freak of nature. A friend of mine recently had the pleasure of sharing an elevator with him, and had this to say: “his charming personality matched his perfectly tailored blazer.” I love a man that can suit up!

8 ) Matt Cassel (KC Chiefs)
I guess being known as an understudy your whole life—especially to Tom Brady—can take its toll. Maybe that’s why Matt Cassel seemingly gets no love in the looks department. Or maybe we can attribute that to him playing for a team in the middle of nowhere. Either way, he is a very good-looking dude.

9) Colt McCoy (CLE Browns)
If Cleveland has done anything right the past few years, it’s sign attractive quarterbacks. First it was Brady Quinn; now it’s former Texas Longhorn cutie Colt McCoy.

10) Sam Bradford (STL Rams)
The 2010 Offensive Rookie of the Year is a real cutie pie.

11) Blaine Gabbert (JAC Jaguars)

12) Christian Ponder (MIN Vikings)

13) Matt Moore (MIA Dolphins)

14) Peyton Manning (IND Colts)
My general obsession with Peyton Manning lands him this high on the list. He might not be great looking, but he is so awesome in every way.

15) Tony Romo (DAL Cowboys)
I don’t get why some women think Tony Romo is so hot. He’s an above average looking guy. Barely.

16) Andy Dalton (CIN Bengals)
It’s tough to be a hot ginger, but that’s not to say it never happens (see: Prince Harry). Andy Dalton has gradually gotten more attractive throughout the course of the season. Perhaps it’s because he surprisingly is pretty good.

17) Carson Palmer (OAK Raiders)
I’m supposed to hate this guy, but I don’t. I also don’t think he’s all that bad looking.

18) Philip Rivers (SD Chargers)
Philip Rivers kind of freaks me out. But he isn’t all the way ugly.

19) Rex Grossman (WAS Redskins)

20) Jay Cutler (CHI Bears)
Jay Cutler just doesn’t cut it. And neither does his off-again, on-again fiancée, Kristin Cavallari.

21) Josh Freeman (TB Buccaneers)
Five minutes ago I couldn’t tell you what Josh Freeman looked like. Thanks to Google, all I can really say is awww. But that’s not a bad thing. I have a thing for younger men.

22) Matt Schaub (HOU Texans)
Matt Schaub isn’t really one of the first guys I think of when I think “NFL quarterbacks”, but that isn’t to say that he’s okay looking. At least with a hat on.

23) Matt Hasselbeck (TEN Titans)
When I say that a quarterback looks good with a hat on, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. They wear helmets for Pete’s sake!

24) Drew Brees (NO Saints)
If his general awesomeness could change his standing, it would. But it doesn’t. This is a looks contest, y’know.

25) Eli Manning (NY Giants)

26) Tarvaris Jackson (SEA Seahawks)

27) Kevin Kolb (ARI Cardinals)

28) Michael Vick (PHI Eagles)
I get the redemption thing, and I don’t all the way hate him anymore. But dude, I just can’t get past the dog fighting thing. Not yet.

29) Ryan Fitzpatrick (BUF Bills)
I usually find beards very attractive. That said, I usually find Ryan Fitzpatrick to closely resemble Brendan Fraser in Encino Man. He’s a Harvard grad, though, so that’s pretty cool.

30) Matt Stafford (DET Lions)
He too-closely resembles Fulton Reed. And—though awesome—no thanks.

31) Joe Flacco (BAL Ravens)
Sometimes he looks like a McPoyle. Others he isn’t awful. I don’t get it.

32) Ben Roethlisberger (PIT Steelers)
I have no words. Or maybe too many. Either way, Big Ben lands the cellar dweller position of this list. This particular picture is a large reason why. Ehk.


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