The Academy Awards Awards

Zoe Saldana in Givenchy

Best Dressed – Zoe Saldana in a purple, ruffeled Givenchy gown gets the hands-down in this category. She was absolutely stunning, and her gown [almost] took my breath away. Also fabulous? Rachel McAdams in Elie Saab, Diane Kruger in Chanel, Vera Farmiga (Marchesa), Sandra Bullock (Oscar-Gold Marchesa; how appropriate was it that her garb would be indicative of the little statue she would take home later in the evening?), and Sarah Jessica Parker. SJP’s dress was incredible, and – though it was a love-it-or-hate-it gown – I loved it. The floral detail was terrific, as well as the unorthodox neckline. There is something about yellow and grey that is simply extraordinary. SJP could have taken home best dressed, but her retro bun was a total disaster.
Honorable Mention: Kate Winslet (in YSL), Kristen Stewart (in Monique Lhuillier; something other than her usual, scrubby get-ups), and Demi Moore (she’s irrelevant so I won’t even discuss her) even looked decent.

From Left: Rachel McAdams, Diane Kruger, Vera Farmiga, Sandra Bullock & Sarah Jessica Parker

Best Speech – None. They all sucked. One of the main reasons I even watch this awards show is for the emotional speeches and because I like to live vacariously through these uber-fortunate souls. I like to see what kind of appreciation they have for their careers, because we all know that the average person doesn’t make millions of dollars to do what they love. It’s not like one could watch the winner give a speech regarding the janitorial award for Best Wax Job. It might be funny, but only in the pathetic kind of way. Sandra Bullock’s speech was probably the most above average and I was disappointed in Mo’Nique’s (her Golden Globe win speech was far more satisfying). Plus, I would have love to have seen (and find evil joy in) some grown men cry.

Sandra Bullock & Jesse James

Best Couple – Sandra Bullock & Jesse James. Again, who doesn’t find joy in watching a grown man shed a tear for his wife (who just so happens to be far more successful than him)?

Bradley Cooper, Neil Patrick Harris, Peter Sarsgaard, Jason Bateman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Chris Pine, Ryan Reynolds, Tom Ford & Zac Efron

Best Man Candy – Chris Pine, Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds, Peter Saarsgard [thanks to @mandystadt for this lovely piece of Twitter gold: “If there’s a hotter maan thaan Peter Sarsgaard caan someone let me know? Thaanks”], Bradley Cooper, Zac Efron, and Neil Patrick Harris. I don’t know anything about men’s suits. All I know is that they were all suited up and HOT.

Jake Gyllenhaal & Rachel McAdams

Best Fantasy Couple – Jake Gyllenhaal & Rachel McAdams. If I can’t have him, I would have no qualms with Rachel snatching him. How hot did they look on stage together? They would make really, really ridiculously good-looking babies.

Neil Patrick Harris

Best Performance by a Dude on the Oscars Stage – Definitely not those whacktastic break dancers, this award undoubtedly goes to NPH. What a fantastic way to start the evening. He is amazing at everything he does. Except date men. Because I need to have him. #okaybye

Best Backstage Snub – A live tweet by Ben Lyons [@iambenlyons] read “[Gerard] Butler and [Bradley] Cooper taking pics. Cam Diaz walks by and says ‘Oh my god, you guys are like soooo hot’. They keep talking unphased.” …”Bitch, we know we’re hot. And the broads we pull are way hotter than you.” Wait, did my imaginary Bradley Cooper voice just say that Renee Zellweger is hot? Barf. Pardon me while I go bleach my brain.

Worst Date – Natalie Marks (escorted by Sam Worthington. By the way, did you SEE his horn-rimmed specs while presenting? SHEESH). It looked like broad was wearing a blue tooth when she first arrived onto the Red Carpet. That shit is annoying even at your local place of commerce, and she chose to wear it on The Red Carpet at the OSCARS? And your dude is there representing only the highest-grossing movie of all time? Get a grip on life, lady. You should be thankful that you’re at the most prestigious awards show in the world with a hot piece of man ass; not worried about what some hooker on the other end is talking about.

Honorable Mention: George Clooney’s date, who has a barbed-wire arm tattoo. Ehk.

Two heaping piles of white trash

Biggest Heaping Piles of Trailor Trash – Tie goes to The Cyruses and Mariah Carey. Did you see Miley’s mother’s tattoos? Foul. I would never want to show those in public. And I would never want my mom doing so either. [Side note: I would consider jail time as a consequence for assaulting a minor if I could open-hand slap Miley Cyrus.] Joan Rivers [@Joan_Rivers] tweeted a real gem last night regarding this trashy family, “Miley Cyrus and her mother offend white trash.” I will add another funny tweet from David Hosmer [@dhosmer] regarding Miley’s not being talented, if only for good measure: “miley cyrus, don’t talk about acting. especially at the #oscars. that’s like a eunuch walking onto a porn set & bragging about his moves.” The other piece of trash who rounds out this prestigious Academy Award Award is Mariah Carey. Her slit was pure slut. She should take notes from Faith Hill, because that broad sure can pull off a risqué slit with class.

Trash – Mariah Carey; Class – Faith Hill

(Speaking of Mariah Carey…)

Mr. and Mrs. Mariah Carey

Biggest Bitch – Nick Cannon. No explanation needed.

Keanu Reeves and his pube-infested face

Poorest Excuse for Facial Hair – Keanu Reeves

Suzy Amis & James Cameron

Most In Need of a Hearty Cheeseburger – Suzy Amis

…and the Best Picture goes to – Victoria Beckham and Betty White. Talk about totally fucking random. And fierce!

Betty White & Victoria Beckham

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One Comment on “The Academy Awards Awards”

  1. 9 March 2010 at 12:57 am #

    Although, I agree that miley cyrus and co. are white trash, I thought she looked really pretty (for miley) last night.

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