The Fan Manual [Or Fanual]

The Playoffs are not for the lighthearted. Perhaps that is why the Bengals hardly ever appear in them. Either way, I’ve compiled a short (albeit very, very important) list of guidelines, etiquette, and/or expectations (whatever you want to call it) that I have for the rest of Bengaldom for our playoff game this Saturday. So I expect them to be followed.

#1 – Dress Warmly and Accordingly

If you need to, please go to your local discount spot to buy some long johns to go underneath your Bengals attire. Just because it’s cold and you want to dress warmly, that doesn’t give you any excuse to not wear appropriate team apparel. [Side note: This can also apply to those morons who wear jerseys for different teams other than who’s playing; even worse, for teams not even in the NFL]

Why would anyone come to a game wearing THAT? THAT guy, that's who

Furthermore (and this is very, very important), I do NOT (I repeat, DO NOT) want to hear other fans bitching about being cold the entire day. This is why we tailgate and build up our respective beer and liquor coats. If you need to do a couple of shots or shotgun a couple of beers (for those 21+, naturally) before the game to secure this warm layer of awesome, please do so. Staying warm works even better if you continue to drink throughout the game. [Another side note: don’t be a moron by drinking then driving. Call a cab; it’s cheaper than a DUI. Or OVI. Or whatever the hell they’ve changed the name to now] [Side note part trois: It could be a repeat of the 1981 AFC Championship Freezer Bowl, where the Bengals played the Chargers in nearly -50º windchill. Consider ourselves lucky]

That is a very smart person, building up her liquor coat at the Bengals/Chiefs game

Basically, I don’t care if you’re cold. THE BENGALS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS. If that doesn’t warm your cold hearts, I don’t know what will.

#2 – No Booing

I am requesting this on behalf of our beloved Bengaldom and, more importantly, our franchise quarterback, Mr. Carson Palmer, who stated yesterday, “Boos don’t help win football games.” Well, neither do awful play calls (no thanks to Bratkowski) and poor decisions on the field, but I think – as a collective whole – we could be more positive for our offense. Maybe it will be then that they produce positive yardage and big plays. Maybe we can channel our excessive boos to my next topic…

#3 – Can we please be loud as ISH? (or “shit” for those who are not hip)

We have seen our team struggle as visitors this season on offense due to extremely loud crowd noise (see: Minnesota, San Diego, and New York). Sure, they were in domes and/or notoriously loud venues, but can we – for once – provide this same annoying effing atmosphere for our competitor? It makes for extremely difficult play-calling, thus creating penalty situations and a very flustered offense.

If being loud consequently means having the ‘Jerk’ Line called on you, so be it. THE BENGALS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS, so take one for the team. This kind of thing only happens 16.6(repeating)% of the time in our franchise (and, coincidentally, in my lifetime as well). Plus, if I have yet to have 381-JERK called on me, I’m almost positive you will get by scott free.

Basically, I expect all of us to leave without vocal chords to spare. Because DAMNIT, THE BENGALS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS.

One of only four times in my life the Bengals have gone to the playoffs. I was freakin' cute (circa 1988)